When I think about on how empathetic, human-centred leadership shows up with my coaching clients, some admit they can feel burdened by it. Research continues to validate the business case for empathetic leadership in the corporate world, even as ‘strongman’ archetypes return to politics. But it can be exhausting trying to navigate the human element while still being held accountable for the bottom line. Leaders sometimes feel trapped in the tension between being a boss and being a human.
When things get volatile, we can swing between two painful extremes: the ‘Cold Professional’ and the ‘Nice Enabler’.
The ‘Cold Professional’ persona leans into the data and the tasks. We get results, but we leave a trail of charred relationships behind us. It’s effective in the short term, but it’s lonely and leads to high turnover.
The ‘Nice Enabler’ leans so far into the human element that we seem to spend our days managing people’s emotions instead of outcomes. We feel like we’re babysitting, and our best people eventually leave, tired of carrying the weight for underperformers.
If this sounds familiar, there are models that reframe so you don’t have to trade head for heart. Tough empathy is the practice of caring deeply for an individual’s growth and potential without compromising the mission. “Tough empathy means giving people what they need, not what they want” say Robert Goffee and Gareth Jones in the influential HBR article ‘Why Should Anyone Be Led by You?’
Firstly, tough empathy frames clarity as kindness. Uncertainty creates a threat response in the brain. A leader who provides clear boundaries is in fact practising empathy by reducing employee anxiety. As Brené Brown noted in Dare to Lead: ‘Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.’ If you ask three of your reports what ‘success’ looks like, do they give the same answer?
Secondly, it doesn’t compromise high standards. Human-centred leadership often feels like it’s asking you to lower the bar. One leader I worked with said, ‘I want to be approachable, but I’m afraid I’ll be seen as wishy-washy.’ Tough empathy insists that you keep the bar high. If you were underperforming, would you prefer a leader who ‘protected’ your feelings, or one that helped you grow? It’s having the courage to say, “I’m telling you this because I believe you’re capable of excellent work, and right now you’re not hitting the mark.”
Also, it promotes listening to calibrate. Empathy isn’t about agreement, taking on all your reports problems or going soft. It’s about intelligence. Even hard-boiled hostage negotiators understand this and use empathy strategically because it is proven to be more effective than hardline approaches. By understanding the pressures your team face, you can refine your approach without changing the destination.
Tough empathy and its cousin, Radical Candor (Kim Scott), also invite direct challenge within boundaries. It’s having the courage to say, “I don’t just want to give feedback; I want to receive it. If I am being unclear, if I am micromanaging, or if I am failing to support you, I expect you to challenge me directly. I promise to listen with an open mind and a commitment to change.”
For executives, the pressure to act hard in uncertain times can be high. But the risks are also high. ‘Command and control’ environments prevent bad news travelling upwards until it’s too late. Talent drains, particularly among values-driven Gen Z and Millennials. And data suggests burnout accelerates by 30-40%[1], an unsustainable trend for UK firms already facing high mental health costs.
This is where coaching is invaluable. It gives executives a neutral space to build their tough empathy muscles and explore more adaptive styles – such as practising giving and receiving direct challenge or being supportive without becoming overwhelmed by the team’s stress. Together we create a thinking environment to see things from the perspective of a colleague, team member or other stakeholders and try on different approaches before a high-stakes communication.
It’s a place to build the emotional regulation needed to stay calm and empathetic rather than resorting to stress-based authoritarianism.
[1] Mental Health UK’s ‘The Burnout Report 2025’, Lee Hecht Harrison (LHH) ‘View from the C-Suite 2025’
Author: Jakki Bendell
