Ever found yourself irritated by someone you work with? Or maybe you feel that you simply can’t communicate effectively with a colleague – they don’t get you and you don’t get them? Sometimes of course, these feelings may develop into outright conflict – arguing, speaking over each other, raised voices or worse! As a coach to many C level leaders and senior executives, I have come across all of these situations and most times, the executive feels it’s the other person’s fault. We assume that the other person’s behaviour has more to do with their personality than the situation we are in, whilst believing the opposite of ourselves. However, it takes two to tango as they say so what can you do to help the situation and how can you manage your emotions?
Perhaps a good place to start is to explore what’s going on when we feel irritated or struggle to communicate with someone else? Relationship problems often stem from miscommunication, difference and past experiences or unresolved issues. Messages can be easily misinterpreted, leading to misunderstandings and conflict, especially when we are unable to pick up signals from body language or we simply have different personality profiles (eg when one person has a very emotional personality and the other is much more logical and data driven). Different worldviews (values and beliefs), ethical standards, or traditions can also create friction, especially in personal or workplace relationships. Biases make it worse. We simply don’t get each other. I believe the world is flat and you tell me it’s round. Nothing I can say and no amount of evidence or data will change this.
Often it’s just a natural human defence mechanism that kicks in when we experience difference and this is one of the reasons that we tend to favour people ‘like us’ – affinity bias. Our brains pick up signals that something is different and therefore potentially dangerous. Think how you feel when you are walking around a neighbourhood that you are unfamiliar with – typically we’re on guard and feel anxious, maybe even jumpy – our senses are on full alert as a result of the adrenalin that’s flowing around our body after our brain senses difference. This reaction switches off our rational brain so that we find it more difficult to logically assess the situation and respond appropriately. Our emotions may also take over so that we do things we later regret. To make things worse, when our emotions take over and we feel anxious, jumpy or defensive, this can trigger a similar reaction in the other person when mirror neurons in their brain pick up these signals. Familiar?
Past experiences or unresolved issues and emotional baggage can also shape our reactions and behaviours around others, often creating patterns of conflict. Once we’ve experienced something that we don’t like with someone or they’ve done something that we see as wrong, we may jump to an incorrect conclusion that triggers negative emotions and lead us to be on the lookout for similar patterns of behaviour. For example, if someone is late to a meeting and one of our core values is punctuality, we may conclude that the other person is lazy and then be constantly on the look for other behaviours that confirm this assumption (confirmation bias), creating a pattern that makes us upset or angry.
So what can we do to help mitigate these challenges and help us build constructive and positive relationships?
Well, firstly, when we find ourselves getting stressed or triggered by a colleague, rather than blaming it all upon them, avoiding them or worse, letting your emotions take over and getting into a cycle of destructive interactions start with yourself – ask yourself what was your contribution to the conflict? When we take ownership and control over our response to others, we can improve the way we feel, perform at our best and hopefully, help build a more productive relationship. Often I find that executives begin with logic – gathering evidence to support their position or argument rather than listening to the emotions involved. Whilst logic is clearly important, ignoring and suppressing emotions can lead to bad results both with the colleague you are having difficulties with as well as others around you (eg when you yell at someone totally unconnected to the conflict – ‘emotional leakage’). Ignoring emotions has also been shown to result in poor memory, difficulties in relationships and physiological impacts. We may also avoid having difficult conversations, perhaps because we want to be liked but this can create negative outcomes and lead to a spiralling situation. Instead, it can help to reframe how you think so that we are more open to having the difficult conversation – instead of ‘I have to be liked’, think ‘Not everyone will like me but I want to be respected’. By then starting the conversation with curiosity and respecting your difficult colleague, they are likely to respect you.
So how should I respond after experiencing a difficult interaction? What I refer to as the the ‘5 C’s of managing difficult relationships’ might help:
Start by clarifying what happened and explore the context. What else was going on at the time that impacted how I perceived the event and how I felt? Taking time to think about this will help you to identify any factors that might have impacted the interaction but have nothing to do with the colleague. Similarly, you might ask yourself how previous interactions affected how I saw the person – was I succumbing to confirmation bias and making potentially inaccurate assumptions based on these interactions?
Look for commonalities – ask yourself whether this is something I often get worked up about? For example, being triggered by tardiness due to your strong belief in the importance of punctuality. Did this trigger an insecurity or fear in me and where has that come from? Maybe your strong belief in punctuality and aversion to tardiness has come from an experience in the past where you were hurt as a result of not delivering on time. Just recognising that this reaction is a natural defence mechanism and seeing it as that can help to mitigate your emotional reaction and take a more rational approach such as taking time to explore what it was that caused the person to be late instead of jumping to the conclusion that they are lazy. By understanding what is triggering you and why, you can make a conscious choice to take charge of your emotions.
Communicate clearly and compassionately. You might feel like sharing how angry or frustrated you feel with your colleague but doing so will most likely put them on the defensive or worse, make them angry and frustrated too. Instead, one approach that I find that clients often find helpful is to follow the SBID approach – share the Situation, the Behaviour that you observed, the Impact that it had and then Discuss how you can work together to prevent this happening again and move forward:
Situation – explain the situation you are referring to “in our meeting last week”
Behaviour – importantly, when sharing the behaviour, avoid any emotional language and judgement and instead simply share objectively what you saw eg “I noticed that you interrupted while I was speaking’” instead of “You rudely interrupted me while I was speaking”.
Impact – explain clearly how it made you feel and how it affected you or the team eg “As a result, I wasn’t able to get my point across clearly and I felt like I wasn’t respected.”
Discuss – Finally, move on to the discuss phase. Pose a question and importantly, listen – not just to the words but the body language and emotions that your colleague is displaying. Focus on what you are hearing rather than what you are going to say next. “We are colleagues and I want us to work all together – what are your thoughts on what I’ve just shared and what can we do to help going forwards?”
In summary, managing difficult relationships comes down to self-awareness and empathy. It’s about starting with yourself – how are my experiences, beliefs, fears, values and motivations impacting how I feel in this relationship and then taking charge of your emotions so that you respond differently. After all, as Einstein said, ‘insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results’. It’s also about empathising and listening – being truly curious as to what is going on for the other person and treating them with respect. What are their experiences, beliefs, values, fears and motivations and how do these impact their perspective? Remember, your perspective is just one amongst the 8.2 billion people on this planet!
